One line per band. Credited lines are real published quotes; the rest are written in the
style, unattributed — as the originals were.
Interpol — Joy Division, minus the rain, plus a very expensive coat. — anon
Editors — They just sound like Interpol. — Metacritic critics' summary, 2006
White Lies — They don't sound like Joy Division. They sound like Editors, who sound like Interpol, who sound like The Chameleons and Joy Division. — chromewaves.net, 2009
The Strokes — The Velvet Underground, reenacted by rich kids who read about it in a magazine. — anon
The Coral — Like the Libertines, without the hoyay or the heroin. Like the Strokes, minus the independent wealth. Like Franz Ferdinand without a good rhythm section — which is to say, like Bloc Party. — Slant Magazine, 2005
Franz Ferdinand — Gang of Four, minus the politics, plus a chorus you can whistle. — anon
Bloc Party — Franz Ferdinand, for people who found Franz Ferdinand too fun. — anon
Yeah Yeah Yeahs — A midget Courtney Love recording a power ballad in a caravan. — Warrington Guardian, 2003
The Rapture — A cooler, tougher version of The Cure. — Vice, 2003
Modest Mouse — A little less Pixies, a bit more Talking Heads. — Rolling Stone, 2004
Wolf Parade — Modest Mouse, but with two singers and the fangs filed down. — anon
Arcade Fire — To 2000s indie rock what R.E.M. were to '80s college rock. — Pitchfork
The National — Talking Heads for people whose midlife crisis showed up early, wearing a suit. — anon
TV on the Radio — Doo-wop for the end of the world. — anon
Animal Collective — Two Beach Boys records playing at the same time. — Westword, 2010
Grizzly Bear — Beach Boys harmonies with the windows painted shut. — anon
Panda Bear — A complete Pet Sounds rip (complimentary). — PopMatters, 2007
Death Cab for Cutie — Built to Spill, except the van has heated seats. — anon
The Postal Service — Death Cab, but the sadness happens over a drum machine. — anon
The Shins — Ironed-hair head-bobbing while slicing cucumbers on your orange Formica countertop next to your avocado-green refrigerator. — Tucson Weekly, 2004
Belle & Sebastian — The deceptive gentleness of early VU, the oblique romanticism of early Orange Juice, the suckerpunch potency of early Smiths. — Village Voice, 1999
The Decemberists — Charles Dickens via Herman Melville via the Smiths. — Houston Press, 2004
Neutral Milk Hotel — A man screaming about Anne Frank over a singing saw, and somehow it's perfect. — anon
Guided by Voices — The Beatles, if the Beatles had a day job and a case of beer. — anon
Pavement — Falling down the stairs, on purpose, perfectly. — anon
Yo La Tengo — The nicest band in the world. Ask anyone. They will tell you, at length. — anon
Sonic Youth — Guitars being punished, beautifully. — anon
Sleater-Kinney — Two guitars, no bass, no mercy. — anon
Les Savy Fav — The Talking Heads, except the singer climbs things. — anon
LCD Soundsystem — Talking Heads at 3 a.m., when the party's over but nobody's left. — anon
Dirty Projectors — A math problem with a chorus. — anon
Sufjan Stevens — The entire continental United States of sadness, alphabetized. — anon
Joanna Newsom — A harp that talks back. — anon
Of Montreal — A musical that escaped. — anon
Bright Eyes — A boy crying beautifully about the government. — anon
The Hold Steady — Springsteen for people who peaked at a house party in 1997. — anon
The Walkmen — The Strokes with a hangover. — anon
Vampire Weekend — Preppy Graceland. — anon
El Guincho — A beach party in a can. — Those Geese Were Stupefied, 2009
Jeremy Jay — Take the Everly Brothers. Strain off their smile. Remove the harmonies. Put more reverb on everything. — Those Geese Were Stupefied, 2009
Father Murphy — The musical equivalent of being cramped in an airplane's middle seat. — Yellow Green Red zine, 2012
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah — The Arcade Fire's funnier cousin. — anon
Broken Social Scene — A commune that somehow pays rent. — anon
Beach House — Slow motion for people who mean it. — anon
Le Tigre — A dance party with a reading list. — anon
Hot Chip — A wedding band that read theory. — anon
Cat Power — A cover band for every song ever recorded, slowly. — anon
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